Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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