I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
