see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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