The maid of honor just puked.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
