i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
