I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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