I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
