Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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