probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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