i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
