So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
