I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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