I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
