My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
