i think my tv is drunk
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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