I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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