im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
