Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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