She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
