I can't watch pbs sober anymore
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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