Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
