you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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