OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
