i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
