remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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