Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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