Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
