I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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