i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
