i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
