hotel room ftw
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
