i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
