just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
