I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
