Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
