If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
