If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
