If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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