if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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