i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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