Please, let me fuck your mom
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
