he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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