I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
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