somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
