I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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