I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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