If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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