If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
