So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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