i permit you to call me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
