What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
