i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
